Give me Love and Money, I have the rest already

Joycelyn is my kid. Tuition kid. Every time I arrive I would ask her, "Ok so today Maths or Science?" This time she chose Science. She has a test coming up next week. And I ask "which chapters?" She replied "4, 5 and 6" I picked up her textbook and started flipping…

Chapter 4: Digestive System

Chapter 5: Sexual Reproduction in Human Beings

Chapter 6: Issues on Sex

*swallows hard*

Not that I’ve never taught biology to a secondary kid before…but it is my first time explaining these stuff to a girl. And so I went about describing the organs…the penis…the testes…the sperm ducts…the ovaries…the fallopian tubes…the vagina…Now she was totally at ease but I was feeling all out of sorts. I squirmed in my seat and wiped the sweat bead from my forehead. How come she’s not the least bit shy about the birds and the bees?

"The penis contains erectile tissue and ejects sperm into the vagina."

"What’s erectile?" 

"Erm…when a boy gets excited his penis will become erect"

"What’s eject?"

"Erm….you know when you watch DVDs? And you press the eject button to take out the disc? Yah that’s eject."

"OOrrhhh……So the boy just press the eject button and the sperm will come out lah?"

I wanted to slam my head onto the nearest wall. The truth is out. I finally understand why she is not shy about this subject. She doesn’t understand the dynamics of lovemaking at all. She doesn’t know that making love is a process where personal and private body parts are explored….where intense pleasure is experienced….where the mouth and the tongue are used extensively but not for eating….where eyes close in ecstasy….and raging hormones take over sensibility. She doesn’t understand that sexual intercourse is a process where bodies move in harmonic rhythm….where repeated in-and-out strokes generate friction that feels so good….where hip-thrusting movements lead to back-scratching orgasmic spasms.

"No Joycelyn…erm…there are no buttons on a penis"

"OK…Then I ask you hah…How come condoms have flavours one?"

"Well…some people prefer to have different flavours. Just like when you drink milk, there’s chocolate milk…strawberry milk…"

"HAH? You mean condoms can eat one ah?"

God. I am such a lousy teacher.

Mandisa was voted out last week. She reminds me of Jennifer Hudson 2 seasons ago. A big big African American girl whose pipes are as powerful as a V12 engine. Jennifer Hudson didn’t win. She was never expected to win.

Mandisa could sing anything. (Paula) "I’ll give you an encyclopedia and you could sing it to me. Even a phone book." Vocally, technically, she beats all the other girls, 2 hands down. But she was very very fat. Her hips were so wide, she wouldn’t be able to sit into any chair that has arms. She has trouble finding something to wear that can conceal all her oversized components. The judges never uttered a word about how fat she was. They avoided the unspeakable by side-stepping it professionally. Simon says "This is a singing competition". But the best singer just got voted out.

The Art Director was crowned on Sunday night. She was not the prettiest, nor did she answer the questions the wittiest. Judges and organisers go on and on about the emphasis of beauty and brains. But somehow, the judges were blinded by a very strong light that evening. Probably coming from the headlights of the Art Director. For the Art Director, she was the most "nicely stacked" of them all.

One didn’t really deserve to lose. The other didn’t really deserve to win. *shrugs*

I really should be studying now….

I’ve always wanted to go to the NIE gym cos it opens at 7am. And I finally found someone to bring me there. YL is very punctual, already sitting at the bus stop when I arrived. Luckily for me I went with him. Cos I never would have found it on my own. Up the long flight of stairs where we reach the balcony that overlooks the swimming pool, along the corridor that’s above the hockey court, up more stairs, and it’s the last room at the left hand corner. There’s no directional signs, no tell-tale hints that this room is the gym. Only when I stood outside the door and heard the voices of FD and Glenn Ong did I realise, yes we are at the right place.

I only had 1 hour so it was a bit of a rush. And inevitably, YL asked me the same question that everybody asks when they see me at the gym. "How come you don’t do free weights one hah?" Damn. Somehow I dread hearing this question. It’s like I’ve been lazing around all this time and then someone found out about it and unveils my eat snake habits. My reluctance to move on to free weights is very simply explained. Cos I don’t know how to. I just can’t balance the barbells on my own. Dumbbells are still ok. But seriously, I think I will try harder the next time. Forget about pushing alot and focus on balancing.

As I walked down the long flight of steps to the carpark after my shower, I saw YL sleeping beside the small 30m swimming pool. The sun rays perfect on his body. Sun rays that are not piercing, just radiating….

Yesterday, for the first time, I let somebody hitch a ride. I was rolling around aimlessly, waiting for Alice to call. These 4 girls were standing at the shuttle-bus stop and when I approached, one of them waved her hand at me. I was dumbfounded for a while before I came to my senses and realise what I need to do. I checked my rear view and indeed, there were no taxis or buses behind me. In my mind I was like "I know I’m yellow but I’m sure I don’t look like a taxi right?" I applied my brakes and came to a stop. *unrolls windows* "Hi, can you give us a lift?" "To where?" "Hall 7" "How many?" "Just 1"

Alright I confess. I wouldn’t have bothered to stop if they were guys. On the way to Hall 7, we engaged in some small talk. What a bubbly girl. And she stays just one room away from Alice. The way she sits and talks, it seems like she is not wary of me at all. And I thought to myself….hmmmm…What if I’m a bad guy? But I guess these girls…they have never doubted me before. We’re in Singapore, nothing can go wrong. *eyes roll*

After I dropped her off, I switched off the engine and tilted my chair back. As I lied down and rested my eyes, I started to think about the ear-twisting and eyes-poking I’m going to get from Alice later.

It is always around 3pm to 6pm, where I just can’t keep my eyes open. Regardless of how many hours I slept the previous night. The eyelids just get so heavy in the library, and of course it doesn’t help when the unadjustable aircon blasts out cold air in magnitudes (Mach 1) that would put my fan at home to shame. But after dinner all the way till 10pm, surprisingly the Zzz monster leaves me alone for a while. I guess this is known as the 2nd wind just like what happens when I run the 2.4. In the initial rounds, the desire to stop is so much. But after the 3rd round, the feeling subsides.

Hoe went to Candy Empire and bought back a bag of assorted chocolates. There’s this small little one that looks like goat’s shit. Pop it in and the coffee taste explodes inside my mouth. My god…there’s a coffee bean in it. Reminds me of the DragonBall comic where they have this "Xian Dou" that is equivalent to 7 days’ of food. Popping this bean in your mouth means that the character would be rejuvenated and can fight for longer periods of time. lol

Let’s see if this goat shit coffee bean chocolate packs enough caffiene to boost my mental combat power for longer periods of time.

For the longest time I’ve been trying to find out which song does these lyrics reside in. "Chickity China the Chinese Chicken" And for the longest time I have believed that it’s the Macarena. Singing the song over and over again in my mind, it just doesn’t come out. But somehow I didn’t dismiss the song. I still thought it’s the Macarena, just that I don’t know the lyrics well enough. On Class 95 today, I finally heard it. The Barenaked Ladies. Why didn’t I think of them…."you have a drumstick and your brain stops ticking"

They were doing the 90’s weekend again I think. And of course I loved it. One song struck me hard. Meatloaf’s "I would do anything for love." This bugger…after all these years…he’s still keeping mum about it. Come on…people are getting impatient here. What is it that you won’t do for love? "But I won’t do that"?

Sunday night I was sending Alice in to hall. A Nissan was parked on the grass beside the road and I couldn’t stop in time to talk to them the first time. So I made a trip back after dropping Alice off. Their bonnet cover was lifted and I just hazard-lighted my car. *rolls down window* "You guys need any help?"

"We’re fine. We already called the tow truck"

"Your car can’t move at all?"

"Nope. The axle’s broken. All because of a white cat"

Awww…that’s so sweet…haha! A broken axle just to save a cat. Immediately I remembered the story I was telling Aw at the farm. (DISCLAIMER! ALL CAT-LOVERS! DO NOT CONTINUE READING! MOVE YOUR MOUSE TO THE TOP RIGHT CORNER OF SCREEN AND PROCEED TO LEFT-CLICK)

When I was young (and ignorant), we were still staying in a kampong. I grabbed a cat and stood beside the road. When a car passed by, I tossed the cat out into the path of the car. Of course the cat died. (I don’t remember any of this. My mother alleged that such a thing happened)

I’ve told this story more than once. And I always get jaw dropping reactions. I know. I’m a bastard. But I’ve gotten my punishment. I’m afraid of cats now. They always look like they are ready to attack me. It’s like…"I know what you did last summer" is written in their eyes. I think it must be the work of karma. What goes around……comes around.